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okay. i will clean the house today, as its my day off and wow is down and blah blah. were going to p.e.i for cousin nathan's wedding in a few days and i dont want to come back to a messy, stinky apartment.. sadly enough, the thing i hate most is recycling; i have to separate all the plastics, glass, cardboard/paper so i can put them in their separate bins downstairs.. but no one puts them in the proper bins, so when i lift the lids, everything is chaos; but i could never do that! even though i know its all jumbled, i still insist on separating everything, which takes a long time. blah blah, which is why i am now here..
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School of Hard Knocks PVP Achievement:
After ten straight games of Alterac Valley (all losses, but who's counting?), I had almost given up on my Orphan quest, which actually would disable me from getting my Purple Proto-Drake in a few months. The Purple Proto Drake is like the Holy Grail of Nerd-Dom (and it would completely match my precious purple skeleton warhorse!). What Blizzard has asked you to do, in order to accomplish these achievements, was to assault a tower with your orphan out as a witness to your very righteous cause. Not a bad idea in principle, the only problem is there are forty other people, with forty straggling orphans behind them, trying to do exactly that and a very limited number of four towers. It doesn't work like other quests that ask the same thing where anyone could cap the tower and you just have to be in the vicinity as having accomplished it yourself. Game after game of wishing I could kill my own faction, I found myself no where near closer to the achievement.
Got kind of annoying.
Stonehearth and Icewing were impossible -- even if I were the first one in the stone towers, which I almost always was, I would not be able to get the achievement because as you're trying to cap the flag, the NPCs are hitting you with their arrows. And dont even think of killing the NPCs, cuz then you'll aggro, and someone else will cap the flag because of you're actually doing them a favour and taking the hits instead of them. You see what a blahy situation this has become?
I gave up with Icewing and SH and went for North and South Bunker, which are closer to the alliance headquarters. As you're reaching these towers, you're more exposed and my beautiful Death Knight would find herself at half life when reaching the tower, the npcs mercilessly sharpshooting. The alliance, eager to prey on an already weakened enemy, took advantage of my poor health and would usually oneshot me to death (usually a paladin). ... But then what happened? I'm right beside the flag, dead as a doornail and instead of being automatically transported to the nearest graveyard, my body lay limp, a message popped up on my screen, "do you want to resurrect" .. what the? I had no soul stone on me! "do you want to resurrect" .. I looked around in my ghostly form; no pallies, having secured themselves in the knowledge they had raped me senseless. I pressed the red button and came back to life, half life, and blew the whistle to get my awkwardly-chipper orc orphan out and I capped the flag, the last of my school of hard knocks.
Bless the angel who took pity on me. And shame on Blizzard for creating battleground achievements that promote selfishness and greed.
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Thursday, April 30th, 2009
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Boo and I went to Canadian Tire yesterday for Spring Shopping on Plants.
We got home pretty late last night, as it was his mom's birthday. Boo toughed it out and potted about 10 different plants and we placed them around the apartment; my role included assigning the right plants to the pretty pots, cleaning the living room and the mess in the kitchen afterwards (as potting plants is quite dirty). FUN.
The only thing that we didnt get done was our outside plant because it was still a little chilly last night and I didnt want it to die.
Hopefully the plants will make us feel better, as we're both still suffering from a horrible cough. We keep crossing our fingers its not Swine, as neither of us has been to Mexico and no reported cases of swine in Quebec exist. Although, I must say, I am perturbed that the reported cases in Canada that have swine were in Mexico a month ago, which means, they've been spreading around the Swin Flu for a whole month. It could easily be all over Canada by now. Still. Crossing fingers. And hoping its just a common cold that goes away soon. Otherwise who's gonna water the plants?
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Tuesday, December 4th, 2007
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Three days into December, two days after snowfall, Santa sauntered on stage, with a wig that could have been stolen from the set of the now defunct Farscape costume department. It looks like Tori Amos stole a few of Chiana's moves two, with the spaghetti strapped camisole and smooth curves and dancing that seems only safe when no one's watching, the kind you would expect from Chiana, Santa presented herself as raw flirtation.
She opened her set with the jazzy/broody "Body and Soul" *which I could not help thinking of Night Elves dancing* (look up Tori Amos and World of Warcraft on Youtube). I know Santa has been doing an eloquent and fiery version of Cruel in her other sets but instead she covered 1998s "She's Your Cocaine" from From the Choirgirl Hotel, making it clear to audience and bandmates that the 'she' in the song was her. Santa was awkwardly playful, leaving stage and coming back with Martini? or was that a Sangria? I couldn't tell from where I sat. She filled up the glasses for her bandmates but they didn't really ever have a chance to drink it ;)
Next came Bug in a Martini. And I couldn't help think, "you chose this over Cruel"? Bug in a Martini was a bside to the live disc "Welcome to Sunny California"; and again, disappointed, if you're going to choose songs from an album you barely promoted, choose the good ones; Ruby through the Looking Glass, Apollo's Frock or Seaside. Not BUG IN A MARTINI -- even if you try to jazz it up. It's interesting to see how Tori tries to cover herself as someone else but the experience kind of threw me off slightly and I can't even rememeber how the song goes, it was that unimpressive, as it always was.
Renewed hope sprang forward with You Can Bring Your Dog, possibly my favourite of her new songs (except for Dragon, of course)! ROCKING LIKE COCAINE but with gentle parts, with white hair bobbing. Secret Spell, also new, nothing special caught my eye about this one. BUT THEN CAME RASPBERRY SWIRL!!!! oHHHH yEss. Mostly focused on the keyboards, her face was kept hidden behind her light blonde locks.
the Professional Widow interlude was not as impressive, and Santa left the stage for a transformation into the, also badly wigged, Tori Amos.
Launching back, she was all smiles and friendly. She faced the audience 90% of the time, did her elvish smiles at the sardonic ends in her lyrics "Got enough guilt to start, my own religion", and wore her long red wig (with bangs!) and a shiny, golden outfit that Austin Powers would have wished he had concocted for himself.
She actually played a lot of her singles:
Big Wheel,
Crucify,
Cornflake Girl,
Bliss,
Precious Things
(and, as previously mentioned, Raspberry Swirl)
However, the most impressive song of the night was probably her rendition of Doughnut Song, with the lights like stars in the background, with the backing band.
Siren was also exciting, although slower than usual (not as slow as she did it solo)
for T and Bo
she performed Winter, slow, i was a lil wet in the eye with the recognizable tinkles thinking, "god, she's playing winter! right in front of me!"
and then, I thought, "please don't play something bad in this part!"
and she didn't : Ruby Through the Looking Glass. SO PRETTY.
Beekeeper and Pancake were also played. Although I really like both, I'm glad Beekeper didn't last twenty mins like it did during the Summer of Sin and Pancake held new meaning when she said, "I ordered you a Pancake." I felt she was trying to convey how Westerners are so concerned with trivialities --- and that the narrator of the song has all these thoughts in her head and she's so disconnected from the person she's sitting with and wants to say everything but can't because she knows they're not on the same drift at all.
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Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
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holy crap. ani difranco's new version of 'napoleon' is awesome.. its on her 'canon' album.. its a song, i've never really liked just because it was so in-your-face but now i can feel it. anew.
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Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
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i think it would be very productive if i sat down and actually typed a few things out. just so i can get used to the way this keyboard works. my keyboard stopped working on a few letter .. mainly the "w". . so i went out and bought this cute little thing. because it glows blue. but now i realize the error of my ways; the keys are soo small but at least it lights up blue. aesthetics over comfort.
i know i have had some trouble in the past when i switch keyboards but i think i will be okay. except for the fact that the keys are so closely entwined that
i feel it is so hard to actually press the buttons sometimes. i keep pressing the wrong buttons, really, you don't see all my mistakes as i type this because i keep editing but every second word seems a little off.
i guess i can live with the fact that i will have to work hard and make this keyboard work for me, despite the fact that i make mistakes
every two words that i type.
oh well. life goes on and i will learn to love it.
rasputina's choose me for champion:
choose me to be your champion
i am possessing of a very righteous style
i understand what's happening
i have charisma and of course a winning smile
i stand accused of being audacious redeemer
not a charge i can deny
i have refused the way of the liar and the schemer
and i'm not afraid to die
oh hark back to the mighty shipwreck
how ancestors of islanders are we
how the ship sank like a sinking thinktank
our memories are gone and sunk at sea
we have allowed ourselves to be insulted by invaders
for the longest of years
i will employ all of cunning and my patience
then we will persevere
i find i can get behind radical ideas and make them real
you do what you want to do
i cannot tell you how to feel
but if the grievous deeds of the Floridian forces have not opened up your eyes
i will get down on my knees and the pitcairnan women's chorus
will shout up to the skies
there's only twenty-four of us here on this island in the sea
and we know queen mary todd has sent her army
and i can be the hero that you need me to be
oh my visionary people, you don't need powerful binoculars to see
that we're descendants of the bounty mutineers
and i can liquidate your fears
and pitcairn island will be free
chorus: free in the air
you don't want those blimps coming here
chorus: free in the sea
a colonial offshoot - is that what you want us to be?
chorus: freedom is fine
the responsibility of saving all our lives on the pitcairn island should be mine
spoken:
consider thursday october chrisian
he's a great rebel and i am exaggerating only very slightly
he wore no clothes but a piece of cloth about his loins
heroism is no more than a chapter in the tale of submission
"the walls of oppression and humiliation cannot be demolished
except in a rain of boomerangs," christian said monday
in response to tuesday's balloon massacres
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Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
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"I too can command the wind, sir; I have a hurricane in me that will strip Spain bare if you dare to try me!"
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Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
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| Time: | 11:03 pm. |
| Music: | Holly McNarland - The Waltz. |
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So I guess it was time for another update. I'm going to get a transfer to another store -- after I need a fresh start because I know I have so much to offer and want the chance to prove myself. So going to another store where that I can happen and I can shine.
That being said, after graduating from my program -- I've been volunteering at the Vancouver Fringe Festival.. which is a feat. The first shift I had was ticket vendor, same with second.. then I somehow became in charge of a show because our "VENUE CAPTAIN" pulled a no show. which is kind of dumb.. but I came through fine -- even though the performers told everyone they could get in for free :P on their website.. which caused a sort of riot :) and i was running around with my walkie and headset. fun.
oKAY. I saw Holly McNarland last week. FAB. It was an acoustic show... she had two guitarists with her.. for a few songs she played guitar but her main focus was vocally. She couldn't stop talking about Little Britain. She's a mom. She's been a mom for nine years now and both her kids were at the show. She looks like a mom. Loose clothing. I'm afraid I wasn't sure if she was pregnant or not ;) she kept tugging up her yoga pants .. it was very cute. altho she made herself come off as a bitch a lot ... part of her personae. She said, "I always tell everyone that I'm sick. Even when I'm not. That way they think I'm putting on a stellar performance.. "
heh.
HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE: Dear Pain, Da Da Da, Elmo and Numb. It was an acoustic show, with no drummer. The audience got to clap along and bang our feet on some songs but for the most part it was just the guitarists and her. Despite her mommy years, her voice is still as perfect as we hear on the c.d. I wondered if it took takes to do what she does but she can do it in one take and it was a quality performance despite the fact that there was some oddities about it.. why only one show? why would you bring your little toddler out this late? she insisted her son tell a joke from the audience and he refused several times.
She kept us entertained. I do like the new, stripped down album. I do fear this will be the end of Holly as it seems there's no tour coming and I've not heard her on the air in years. And when I told everyone I know I saw Holly McNarland (or invited them to come along). ... they were all like, "who is that?"
I wish her the best. Her new album is kickass. Its unfortunate she came after Alanis because she will always be known for "Stuff", and "Stuff" will always be a compared with Jagged Little Pill. But even in "Stuff" there is foreshadowing to the current Holly McNarland.. Home is where my Feet Are -- with her Jann Arden, subdued style and now her current "Chin Up Buttercup" .. stripped down but fun acting performance. She's just being herself, quirky and sad.. but with a powerful attitude and a lot of experience backing her behind.
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Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
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L A S T
1. Friend you saw: i guess my brother, as he dropped off the hamsters a few minutes ago. i'm looking after them while he and his wife go to our cousin's wedding in halifax. i can't afford to go :(
2. Talked to on the phone: i guess it'd be rob a few days ago.
3. Text: wrote an email to brandon. brief but wrote one.
4. IMed: don't use this service.
T O D A Y
1. Wearing: camo pants, green stripe shirt, blue hoodie with my burgundy shoes !
2. Better than yesterday?: no. yesterday was my fave pair of jeans.
T O M O R R O W
1. Is: a day i work . blah.
2. Got any plans: i am going to apply for a job as a theatre usher.
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: working.
F A V O R I T E
1. Number: four. it seems well balanced and strong and feminine.
2. Color: green, gender neutral, natural but also diseased.
3. Season: used to be autumn but i'm thinking a like for the dead of winter. i say this and i don't think of the cold.
C U R R E N T L Y
1. Missing someone: i miss jeffrey terribly. everyday. i want to move back but i need to accomplish something first. I miss you all too :(
2. Mood: slightly depressed.
3. Wanting to: get to 70 in world of warcraft. is that so wrong?
Q U E S T I O N S / A N S W E R S
Q: first thing you did this morning?
ran out the door.
Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
job, accomplishment, life.
Q: What's annoying you right now?
its not just my horrible job -- its my lack of inspiration is so depressing.
Q: Do you support long distance relationships?
for a limited time.
Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now?
yes.
Q: Do you think that that person is thinking of you too?
no. he's asleep. and dreaming of a porn star.
Q: Where is the last place you went?
the kitchen. to check on my new fish that got hurt and scratched on the ride here.
Q: Do you look like your mom or dad?
i don't think so. my mom thinks i look like my dad.
Q: Do you smile often?
not as often as i should or used to.
Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity)?
creativity.
Q: Do you wish upon stars?
sure.
Q: Are you a friendly person?
not on the outside.
Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
my own.
Q: What were you doing at 9 last night?
i was WOWing before bed.
Q: When is the last time you saw your parents?
i saw my mom a few weeks ago when she came up and visited. my dad i last saw before he died.
Q: When was the last time you cried?
at work the other day. a customer reminded me of my dad with his body language and his nose. and i had forgotten those qualities. and i just remembered them and this blur of sadness. fortunately the next customer in line (i was on cash) was some1 i knew and i was like, "just ignore me crying right now, i'm fine, really.. "
Q: Do you get angry easily?
yeah. i have a hot temper. working on it because i've decided i really only want to care about the important things.
Q: What were you thinking about before you went to sleep?
why i'm not 70 yet.
Q: What song are you listening to right now?
Paula Cole - Saturn Girl
Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10.
Six.
S A D S E C T I O N
01. Have you ever really cried your heart out?
In my adult life? Yes.
02. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
No. I've cried myself to silence.
03. Have you ever cried on your friend's shoulder?
Yes.
04. Do you cry when you get an injury?
Probably not.
H A P P Y S E C T I O N
01. Are you a happy person?
Not really.
02. What can always make you happy?
Root Beer Floats, Milkshakes, Ice Cream, Pizza.
03. Do you wish you were happier?
Its not my main goal.
04. Is being happy overrated?
No, I'm cool with people being happy. If they're ignorantly happy, I can get upset.
05. Can music make you happy?
Yes.
L O V E S E C T I O N
01.Anyone besides your family ever said they loved you?
Yup.
02.Have you ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
OHH YAH. I've used the word so much it has been permanently cheapened and now I'm on the quest to find another word.
H A T E S E C T I O N
01. Who do you actually hate?
I guess I hold strong grudges. I used to hate so many people. I can't think of anyone. People are so petty and if you think about it.. its hard to hate them for being petty. I pity them now.
02. Have you ever made a hate list?
I used to pull names of people at school out of a hat to hate.
03. Are you a mean bully?
Someone called me a bully the other day. I guess I am. It comes from having been bullied, I guess.
04. Do you like George Bush?
No.
E V E R :
[x] ridden in a taxi
[ ] jumped a ramp on a bike
[x] been used
[ ] been fired
[ ] celebrated New Year's in Times Square or Disney World
[x] gone on a blind date.
[x] had a crush on a teacher
[ ] celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans.
[x] been to Europe.
[ ] been to Australia
[ ] been to Hawaii
[x] skipped class.
[x] played Spin The Bottle.
[x] had a sleepover.
[x] gone ice skating.
[ ] had your tonsils taken out
[ ] have/had a TRUCK.
[ ] totaled a car.
C U R R E N T L Y W E A R I N G
01. Shorts?
nope.
02. Shoes?
no, sir.
03. Necklace?
no, ma'am.
H A V E Y O U E V E R
01. Hugged someone?
Yes. AND YES YOU HAVE, BRANDON.
02. Been on the phone until the sun came up?
Sadly, yes.
03. Put a song on repeat for more than an hour?
Of course.
L A S T S
01. Last person you talked to in person?
My brother.
02. Last person you talked to online?
Complete WOW Strangers.
03. Person you talked to on the phone?
My BOoOOOOo!
04. Person you hugged?
Probably Sofia when she left?
05. Person who made you laugh?
ROB.
06. Person you messaged on myspace?
A guy from this band that sounds like Nirvana.
O T H E R
01. Do you get along with your parents?
I suppose. As long as I don't spend too much time in my mom's company.
C U R R E N T
01. Current Mood:
tired and depressed.
02. Current hair:
orange and draining.
03. Current Thing You Ought To Be Doing?
writing my cover letter.
04. Current desktop picture?
blood elf paladin.
05. Current music?
PJ Harvey - The Slow Drug
REPOST AS: LIFE SURVEY
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Hmm.. so a lot has happened in the last week. My course, the one to help find your skills as an artist and learn to develop your network, finished. The last day of the course was Friday and the last day of the program was Monday -- there was a festivity and previous 1800 students were invited to celebrate.. although only around 40 showed up .. it was at 1 p.m. which meant MORE CAKE FOR ME. YES, there was carrot and chocolate (which were good) and I stayed away from the vanilla one. Yay.
OKAY , what else?
I'm going to get my hair dyed/cut today.
I was kind of evicted from my place.. as everyone else was so I had to move. I moved back into my aunt's place (they've gone away for three weeks, so I Need to find a place!) .. The reason for the eviction was we had some garbage on our balcony (none of it was mine and it was there when I moved in and truth be told, I never went on the balcony) .. and they evicted us for that. The irony is the garbage men/women have been on strike for two weeks and it doesn't seem like its being resolved. The result: every house has garbage on their balcony.
I have to call a few people back about places but obviously since they didn't call me they're probably not interested. Although its still a possibility until I know that its 'no'. Right?
I have the world open to me but I really don't feel like seizing the day because all my socks are dirty.
The laundry is going.
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Thursday, July 19th, 2007
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I promised Jeff that we'd start focusing on the things we really love about life and we've made a commitment that at least once a month (we can do more if we can!) .. we use Livejournal as an opportunity to review a work of art.. I'm going to be previewing a few albums (starting with Rasputina's brand spanking new one.. -- but I'm not ready for that yet..) .. Tonight, however, I just came from a concert of the beautiful and talented Patty Griffin and I thought I'd just share a few thoughts about this.
First of all, I thought it was General Admission because I'm dumb. It turns out that it wasn't. But they had opened up the front row just as I went to buy (because they were overselling!) .. and so I got centre front row. Holy CRAP! CENTRE FRONT ROW! okay.. :P
Twangy funny guy played for her open. Blah. He was cute. Needs help to shop for jeans tho. *offer extended*
SO PATTY GRIFFIN came on stage with her copper hair, stylish open sleeveless blouse, classy black skirt and fishnet leggings matched with open-toed glossy wedged heels (visible red painted nails). She's so pale! and her red lipstick really shines.. (okay, thats enough about appearance - - I'm just painting the picture for you here!) ..
I was impressed with the huge crowd -- considering the day Patty's c.d. came out HMV only held three copies of which one I purchased one. Even Patty said, "I didn't know if anyone would show up." The medium sized two-storeyed auditorium was full of music loving individuals who definitely showed appreciate towards Ms. Griffin and her entourage (we clapped a thousand times for the second encore -- she came out even after the houselights came on!) . The setlist consisted mostly of the new material of which Heavenly Day (about her dog - - made me cry because I kept thinking of Zoe.. and it takes a lot for me to cry cuz I'm stone cold. Tori's Merman live is the only other song I've ever cried to.), Burgundy Shoes (which is the only song she played on the piano.. and apparently her only happy song, according to Griffin, although the melody is still tinged with tragedy), Getting Ready, No Bad News and the MLK Song (which I learned was the Martin Luther King song.. she said something, "if you think all Americans are evil just remember we produced Martin Luther King.. ") .... Classic-Patty songs from all her albums were including You Never Get What You Want (it reminds me of Jeffrey! and one of two songs from Living with Ghost) was solo Patty and her guitar and rocking (after it she said, "You guys deserve a pretty song after that one.." and I think she went into Mary (only one from Flaming Red)) .. Useless Desire, Long Ride Home (oooh!!!), Be Careful..
Regrets: Too bad no Tony or Blue Skies (but I don't think the sound produced by the new band would have done them justice .. it was more of a bluesy, soulful feeling.. and those are ROCK songs) .. and Rain and Nobody's Crying were not played which sucks because theyre songs that everyone needs to hear. I didn't drag Rob there for nothing! If she had played Rain or Nobody's Crying maybe Dashboard Confessionals wouldn't be his #1. :( Marketing decisions, Patty! She should think of the best way to convert! -- heh!
One thing I learned was #1) Patty is SOOOO small, the guys in her band were towering over here.. and #2) SHE bounces.. she kept bobbing up and down like the Night Elves in World of Warcraft when they get excited. There was also head-banging Patty, dancing with the guitar, leg tapping.. (from her and me! -- i thought the girl next to me might get annoyed cuz I got quite into it.. ) ..I did like the bluesy feel to the show. Its weird without cigarette smoke in the air but quite refreshing. It wasn't what I was expecting. I walked in thinking maybe its going to be more slower, solo, 1000 Kisses-Eraish. But I saw the drumset and immediately went, "ITS A ROCK CONCERT!".. but the band blended quite smoothly and Patty was all set for blues and soul tonight. It wasn't presented in an American Idol kind of over the top way but a more subdued learning.
I took a horrible picture during the encore encore performance of Let Him Fly but someone came and got mad at me (there was no flash or anything!) .. so no more at least I have that.
I think she did a great job -- even converting me to the new album that I was a little doubtful of but now I really understand the direction she has gone. I'm glad I got a chance to see her -- I was worried I'd never see her in my life. Now the only band I have to still see before I feel complete is Faith and the Muse.
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hmMMm so far house hunting has not been successful and the month is half over. well one place sounded nice .. but there was no kitchen or washroom.. so id have to ask the landlord really nicely .. and maybe she'd let me use her shower. YAY..
and the other one.. a lady with three cats who smokes inside.
the potentials just keep mounting.
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Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
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| Time: | 1:52 am. |
| Music: | Pilots - Goldfrapp. |
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p.p.s. how come nobody told me about xtube? am i the last to know?
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p.s. i lost my cell phone today and i'm not pissed. even tho i loved its greenery. and the lil winnie the pooh attached.
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| Time: | 1:18 am. |
| Music: | Regina Spektor - Lacrimosa. |
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okay. so i haven't slept or done laundry in two weeks..
i've been going to three different courses and work the nights i'm not throwing self-motivation into my face.. living an upset-free, full of possibility life.
and my gov't sponsored course (SEARCH) specialized in dealing with job searching for artists. Unfortunately.. and I guess this is mainly due to the fact that our government is being run a creepy blue-eyed Conservative, the funding towards the program has been cut. And hence, the program will no longer be available. However, I managed to get a spot in the last program -- and I had to go for two interviews 1) with a case manager who gave me gov't approval (and was also really peed that the programme has been cut) and 2) with one of the counselors for the programme itself.
ANYWAY, so yesterday was a really touching day. There are sixteen participants and we all presented, offered one another a taste of our talents. And I got really inspired. For the first time in nine months I played for an audience and I felt overjoyed. They really appreciated it (and I really appreciated what everyone else did..) .. and I'm so happy I did.
ANYWAY, i was out tonight with some lesbian friends and we ended up going to a calories-esque coffee shop on Davie St. (Vancouver's Gay village) .. and it ended up having a piano and so I got to play two songs for my Buds.. and then the staff asked if I was "booked for pride".. and i gave them my phone #..
i'm pretty excited about that, even if nothing comes up.. i'm so horrible at self-marketing. and thats what were talking about in our course.
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I invented myself as the possibility of acceptance. Too many people have found my front. My criticisms and judgements have hurt too many I love, even though the callous voice in my head continues to tell me I can't ever love. I breathe it, I think it with every thought. My excuse as being part fey, part unfeeling have fluttered. I have only myself to confront. Stripped of my faerie wings, my masks, my playfulness, I am worried; will you love me back?
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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I am taking a government-sponsored month-long course starting this week. Its for artists -- helping them find a path, economic security, as well as an output towards their passions in life.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Rue wants a story for his BDAY. I started to write words and they came out reminding my too much of my own life but in a surreal way where I am taking events but they're not really me. It's all blurry. But I thought I'd post this anyway since there's something journal-istic (note: not journalistic) about it. I'll write you a poem, Rue. Although I don't really think its me. It's like me in a bad wig pretending to be me (hello Tori Amos) or a muppet version of myself, lending his voice momentarily; my own personal critic as a child's toy.
I think I almost wish the Internet won't connect tonight as I stumble my key in the front door-lock. I am coming home from another day of hum-drum, the repetitive actions of a robot who has given up on being human. I step over old yogourt containers with the spoon still inside, the hard dried fruity-mix solidifed and stoned inside the plastic container. I ignore this and the possible Medusa awaiting in the corner to make me stone, and carefully place my brand new ninety-eight dollar blazer on a wooden hanger because I won't fathom getting it dry-cleaned or ironed if it wrinkles. I sit down in the uncomfortable pink chair I bought from the girl who lived here before me and turn on my IKEA nightlight. It isn't a very strong light but its better than the florescent light-hum the ceiling light emanates. As my computer screen loads up, I'm almost tempted to make my bed. But why should I put in the effort of folding its sheets if I'm just going to sleep on it soon? I know I'm not really going to sleep in the near future; I'm going to spend the next three hours on facebook, looking for old friends who I stopped talking to, forgetting there's reasons I stopped talking to them. I think I am maturing, letting go of the past but really I am just forgetting, naively investing myself into the opportunity of circumstances repeating, fucking myself over again. I look up old crushes who I never had the nerve to talk to and now, years later, still can't manage to write them emails. Like a hello would leave me revealed, naked and judged. So I keep this voice to myself. I'll add them as a friend without investing thought or memory into their guestbook. I could not have any thoughts or memories. What comes back to me are my fantasies, dried out and cliché; prince charming stepping up, after all these years he'll finally rescue little old me and we'll ride off into the sunset of wild white stallions. Having these once-crushes as 'friends' show the chances of my fantasy being fulfilled have been improved. But only marginally if I don't speak. And even if I do speak, the odds of both wild white stallions, him and a sunset together are almost non-existent. But what would I say if I had to speak?
In my younger days I thought about you every night before you were fat. I loved looking at you when you didn't know I was in the room. Writing your name on paper brought me comfort.
Let's forget facebook, forget crushes, forget people. I'm trying to find that original spark I left somewhere. I should put an advertisement up on Craigslist. Looking for my creative spark, lost in 1999. It had passionate rainbow hues smeared with oily black paint. The thought of this creeps me out. What would I do if someone found it? Would I even recognize it if it were handed to me on a platter? It all becomes too real so I go to nationstates.net or celebrity gossip sites like Perez Hilton's. I find out who died, who divorced and who's going to jail. At least something's happening to them. I still come here, night after night dreaming for success to slap me on the face, light up my life and put a check in my hand. I work, I dream, I shit. I spent all night killing eleven year old boys, awake past their bedtimes (or maybe they're just in different time zones), in World of Warcraft. All I am doing is surviving and some would barely call it that. I make excuses daily. I can't do laundry. The hairy-faced bully downstairs is sleeping. To avoid noise, I sometimes talk myself out of brushing my teeth. I think I am overconcerned for other people. I know I should fuck them all and do what I have to do for me. And then I think it's not my generosity, its Laziness settling into my skin, making me out of control of my life. I wish I had an answer but I'm probably too afraid of the quesiton so I say things like, "let it be" or "so?" or "who cares?". These seem to be working because sometimes I don't even know I do.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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childfoot's journal